Struggling in Marriage

This is what everyone whose marriage is in a hill will always say: I'm really feeling lost right now.

I've been married for 9 years (almost to the day,) to a man who I am really feeling some resentment toward.  I know that my family and friends won't really understand what I'm feeling - everyone thinks that I'm so lucky to have him, and that my complaints are petty.  This will be long, but I'll start at the beginning.

Many of this separation threats will always come up because of the conflicts this couples are going through in their marriage. Do you know, 99% of separations come from women. At times men will use threats of even divorcing their wives. The most important question we should be asking ourselves is this worthy?

Various reasons will call partners to call for a separation. For example; lack of intimacy in marriage, unfaithfulness, violence, workaholic  and many more. This is what one lady commented about what is making her to separate. “Honestly, the immense pressure I've been under in this relationship has resulted in me becoming resentful of him.  I feel like he is another child that I am caring for - having to tell him what to do, how to do it, when, etc.  I don't feel like he's a partner in this relationship, and I view him as an overgrown teenager.  I've lost all of my sex drive - the notion of being sexual with someone I feel like I'm mothering is really not enticing.  We probably have sex twice a month, and it's been this way for about 3 years.”

Many men, and women, make an unnecessary threat when one mate wants a separation to think things over. They let their fears run rampant and try to exert control in various ways, seldom with any productive impact. They threaten to get a divorce if their mate seeks a separation. However, most of the times this threats have led to negative results to marriage leading to divorce. However, a temporal separation with guidelines can end up restoring a falling marriage.

This are various ways we can restore our marriages even when in separation:

First, the separation should be done under the leadership of someone trustworthy, such as your pastor, to ensure steps are taken to make the time apart productive and not divisive. A weekly check-in time should be done with this person to make certain you are using the time as effectively as possible.

Second, it must be made clear that this is going to be a “therapeutic separation.” As such, everything about it is done for the purpose of ultimately restoring the marriage. While there may be a “time out” from one another, the “time out” is set up to strengthen weaknesses in the marriage so that you can come back together stronger than ever. Counsel should be sought, both individually and as a couple, to heal wounded areas. Books on communication and healthy conflict could be read and discussed to strengthen the relationship. Each party must take full responsibility for their failures in the marriage.

Third, during the “therapeutic separation,” there should not be alone time with members of the opposite sex, for obvious reasons. It is simply too tempting to engage in quasi, or overtly sexual behaviour, out of a need for attention and affection. Hedges of protection must be built around the marriage. It is very normal for the grass to look greener during times of intense conflict—don’t be swayed into thinking this is reality.

Finally, I believe a therapeutic separation can be a time to get alone with the Lord to determine His will in your life. It is a time to let go of your pride and ask for wisdom into the key areas needing attention. It is a time not to focus on how you have been wronged, rehearsing wounds perpetrated against you, but how you have been less than the Godly spouse you are supposed to be. Let the Lord minister to your needs and assist you in restoring your marriage, if possible. Pray together as a couple, seeking humility to be the best mate possible.

The Apostle Paul encourages us: “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” (Ephesians 4:2-3).