Mentoring your Children.

Mentoring your Children.

I always get annoyed when I ask grown-ups, even parents, who are their mentors? Someone will tell you my mentor is Obama, Donald Trump, etc. yet they have never met personally or even knowing each other. I tend to refute such responses which we shall discuss as we move on. A few concepts to understand for us to know what is mentorship.

A mentor can be defined as a trusted guide or counselor. Or an individual who is usually older, always more experienced, who help and guides another individual’s development. This guidance is not done for personal gain. 

A mentee is an individual or a student who wants to learn from someone who knows and seeks their valuable advice in order to grow personally and/or professionally. The question remains, should we mentor our children?

All children need an adult to help with homework, listen when they have a problem, and push them to be their best. If you're overwhelmed by the stresses of life and parenting or just think your child needs another caring adult to help foster successful habits, a formal relationship with an adult mentor might be the answer.

According to statistics, American children between the ages of 6 and 18 have adult mentors in their communities. It is believed that children benefit from added adult interaction. While mentors are advocates for the kids they work with, their job isn't to replace a child's parents or fix problems in a family. "We’re just an extra pair of hands here to help.

How does mentoring children help?

Research by the University of Luton Vauxhall Centre for the Study of Crime has shown that mentoring children and young people leads to a reduction in offending behaviour. At one location, as much as 77% of young offenders did not re-offend once they had been assigned a mentor. What's more, many children who are mentored are found to become less disruptive at school and more able to re-engage with mainstream education.

According to another research done by MENTORS, when these children are compared to their peers, 52% will rarely miss school, while 46% of them will not engage themselves in illegal drugs and 27% will not use alcohol. Parents should always try to connect their children to mentors because mentors tend to open more opportunities to their children.

Where do we get mentors?

Mentors can be found by parents themselves or from organization mostly youth organization. However, parents need to get trusted mentors for their children in order to avoid problems. Get mentors whom you have known them for a long period of time. In case you choose an organization, they will try to match your child interests, age and needs. In general, it is very important to pair male children with male mentors and vise versa.

Finding a mentor for your child could produce immeasurable benefits. Mentors open up worlds of opportunities for kids, encouraging them to get a good education, make responsible decisions and have a successful life. This is possible. Try it.

Disciplining Children: Who should be responsible?

The Bible says, “Spare the rod and spoil the child”. Then the great question is who is responsible in disciplining children at home? Many at times, discipline always come from one parent this is because; couples have adopted the “Good Cop” an “Bad Cop” attitude. The bad cop is that parent who is strict and applies all the rules for the good of the family. The good cop is that parent who children will run to when they want to bend some rules for their own benefit.

So what is discipline? Discipline is a Latin word that means learning. In other words children learn through discipline not just blindly following some set of rules. Children would like to understand the nature of the rules and their consequences in their part. It’s true; parents have their different discipline style, which the couples should agree before marriage and set relevant rules for them to follow in the family.

Disciplining children has caused ripples in families, even when they are biological parents involved in disciplining their own children. To some parties, they will feel the children are being abused with how they are treated. Which might not be true, just because there’s no agreement between the couples?  You and Hubby should then try to find common ground and agree on an approach. For instance, if you both decide your baby shouldn’t be picked up the minute he starts to cry during the night, and then you should both stick to that. Or if you both decide that when your infant loses his temper playing with a puzzle toy, it should be taken from him temporarily, then that’s what you should both do. A joint approach like that will avoid unnecessary conflicts and resentment.

In the end, you and your spouse have to determine what the best way to have family discipline is. And if the good cop, bad cop approach suits you, that’s your choice. But the alternative method of having more balance roles can also be effective.

Another serious question that will always arise is, what if it’s a blended family, who should do the discipline? I can only say this, children will only take discipline positive if the biological parents are involved. Children become more rebellious and hard headed when stepparents take the role of disciplining them. For the stepparents to take a role in disciplining their children, they should consider the following things:

(a)          Children are hurt by divorce

(b)         Set an example for your children

(c)          Don’t be wishy-washy. Decided on how discipline will be carried out and stick to the rules.

(d)         Treat every child fairly and equally.

Courtship and Dating: What Parents need to know!

A very contentious issue that has caused problems in the family is the issue of relationships. (courting and dating). What happens when your daughter or son tells you that they are dating. At least in the African Society where I come from is not a big issue, all this thrills we see them on movies and soap opera. But is it important for parents to have the knowledge of what courtship and dating is all about? This is very important because it helps parents to take part in preparation of their children on the next stage of marriage. It’s a basic foundation of marriage.   We shall discuss Courtship and Dating in two perspective, the Christian perspective and the “worlds” perspective.

What is Courtship? (Real love theory)

Courtship is the way dating was handled in the 1800's. In this arrangement, a boy who is interested in a girl must first approach her parents, asking permission to court her. If her parents approve of the boy (often asking the girl privately if she has any interest before they give their consent), then the girl and the boy can spend time together, but only in monitored situations where a responsible adult can check up on them. It can also be seen as when a boy or a girl focuses on the well being of the other person.

There are many advantages to this arrangement in reducing temptations, and the novelty of it in our current society often makes it appealing to young men and women. It also tends to force the young man to think more seriously about himself. It is one thing to impress a young woman, but it is something different to think about impressing a parent who is protective of that young woman. Young men in these situations tend to work on themselves and their financial situation first before attempting to approach the young woman's parents so that he can say he is offering her something more than just dreams.

Courtship in courtship the focus of the boy and girl is to grow in trust and friendship which is a very key component in any relationship. Many are those who have jumped into marriage without understanding that friendship comes first before marriage.

The good thing about courtship is that it takes the boy and girl into engagement which finally to a happy marriage.

Those who enter into courtship are pretty sure they have found the one. They are not going into courtship with any thought that it is not the one. Otherwise, they would not be exclusive. It is quite a big step to become formally exclusive with someone. It is a practice run of making the formal decision to forsake all others on the day you exchange vows. In courtship, you do forsake all others, but not as a vow, but rather as a trial run. This is neither chemistry nor biology where we have experiments; this is real life a matter of life and death.

I have had cases where individuals have courted up to a point where they call each other its no longer a relationship. courtship needs to be a short period of time, and have a definitive end. It cannot be open ended. Otherwise, you risk hurting each other in a way you do not wish to, but can simply because you are not yet married. It risks looking like and acting like you are married, when you have not formally made the commitment. It risks giving in to the temptation to do that one thing reserved ONLY to married couples because you become so used to each other and, what the heck, you love each other and are practically married anyway, so why not?

Anyone can be in love. But, only a mature person who is emotionally and spiritually mature can really love.

What is Dating (Being in love)?

Dating can be simply be defined as an  fare between a boy and a girl where we don’t have rules. Or having a strong romantic feeling for someone. Am saying without rules because, in dating, the two (boy and girl) have the freedom of having intimacy. The focus is to have some form of satisfaction. The best way to describe dating is that it is a sampling process. You date in order to sample the person. You spend non-commitment time with the person in order to see if there is an all around attraction to that person enough to move on to “serious dating.”

What is so frustrating today is that dating has been changed into a game where you only sample temporarily for your own satisfaction with no commitment at all. These has caused a lot of problems in family today. For example, early pregnancies, drop outs from schools, and also diseases.

Let’s check our children.

Parenting Young Adults!

Who is a young adult?

According to scholars like Erickson, they define young adult as a person aging from 20-40. While an adolescent is one aging from 13-19 years old. However, opinion will always vary basing on the location and environment of individuals. Whereas in countries like the U.S a 16 years old can get married, in African countries like Kenya, the maturity age for marriage and of “independence” is 18 years. So the contentious issue remains, is 16 in America and 18 in Kenya gives individuals an okay of being young adults and are they ready for that?

Parents therefore have a long way to go to prepare their children for another stage of their life (Young Adults). Studies have shown that many young adults will graduate from teenage hood (if such a term exist) to the young adult hood without any prior preparation from the parents. It’s amazing to see many young adults, do not understand very basic things like savings, financial planning (Budgeting), relationships (different gender), which if parents would have taken the initiative before, it would be much of importance to their children as they enter this stage.

So, what are the roles of parents in parenting the young adults?  

Many of us have never got the opportunity from our parents on initiating us on the next stage of our lives. As much the teenage stage should be a stage of apprenticeship, this has never been so. This is because of a very simple reason; parents do not believe that their children are growing and they can be responsible, which is a myth to be disbanded. The role change must keep up with the developmental stage of these young adults in order for the children to move forward into self-reliance. Let’s find out what are some of the roles of parents in this stage:

Trust your young adult to be capable. Though it is natural for parents, especially mothers, to worry about your young adults, it is divine to trust that your young adults are truly capable. Resist the temptation to step in and help because at this stage, “helping” often hurts. Your involvement often short-circuits your child’s development because it robs him of the opportunity to learn new life skills. It’s so hurting at times when your son or daughter feels you don’t trust him or her of their new roles or responsibility. It’s very imperative for parents to encourage and remain us coaches in their growth of their children.

Limit the frequency of contact. Yes, you will miss your child. She will miss you too. However, her primary focus is to figure out life and a lot of things about her identity. It is quite important to give your child a lot of space to work through these phases of transformation and build her ego strength. Avoid being the “FBI” to your children. Let them explore, children who are given this opportunity, will always have trust to their parents, and they will always come for advise when in need.

Don’t assume you have the right to know. It may grieve you that you are no longer the confidant in your son or daughter’s life. However, you should rejoice that your son is growing his circle of friends and your daughter is building a support network apart from you. This is all part of maturing and individuating as adults. It is very annoying when I look on some of my peers and how they are still bondaged to their parents will. Parents have to know their parents, where they are going out, their salaries…

Manage your own anxiety and loneliness. You may feel worried when you don’t hear from your child. You may feel lonely for him. You must manage your own anxiety and loneliness without unloading these emotions onto your child. Find some positive outlets for social connections so you are not focused on the emptiness of your nest. In any case one day your child has to leave you, by getting married and having their own families. It’s very important for you as a parent to stay put.

Ask the young adult for his input. If in doubt, ask your young adult what role he wants you to play. When he complains how his job sucks, ask him if he wants you to just listen or if he wants you to give advice. Relationship is a two-way street. You don’t have to guess. Just ask!

While every family is different and every family has their own method of madness a few basic rules can apply to everyone: 

·         Prepare them for working outside of the home 

• Help them develop a healthy work attitude so that employers will welcome their talents
• Teach them valuable skills such as working well with others and not arguing
•  Teach them how to clean that bathroom and kitchen their bedroom mess 

If parents will do their homework well, then we shall have a very responsible youth and adults to be. Have fun in parenting!

Parenting: Teenagers!

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