Love and Care is What Children need

Many parents so to speak, the working class have a very different definition of LOVE towards their children. Many have quickly thought that to make your children feel you love them, you give them money and other material stuff like money, cars and very many other things.

Believe me not, children will always need the affection and guidance from their parents. Children who have experienced absent parents at home tend to be more suicidal, develop other lifestyles which are not part of the family, violent and even depressed because they don't have someone to share their feelings with. Parental love is the primary love. A sound man who grew up with parental love understands what love is. Because children love their parents, they come to learn love from their experience of loving parents. That is the highest joy for children. Without having parents, we never experience love.
 
Children need love as flowers need sunshine and rain. We must nurture our children, it is one of the important things we can do as parents. A parents ' love and caring determines how a child grows up and how a child will eventually parent.

Teen Suicide

Am not writing this because I have an experience of teen Suicide, but it’s a topic that parents should be able to understand and help their children to counter such feelings of suicide. It’s also an eye opener for parents to know what causes their children to commit suicide at a younger age. The tragedy of losing a child is very devastating to parents, friends, coach and also the community. The big question is always, if we could have done something then we could have avoided this death. Learning more about factors that might lead an adolescent to suicide may help prevent further tragedies. Even though it's not always preventable, it's always a good idea to be informed and take action to help a troubled teenager.

Many at times when we want to get the reasons for why an individual committed suicide, the reasons are always complex to be explained. As much as suicide is rare among children, many of this suicide, take place during adolescence. According to Centre for Disease Control, suicide is the third leading cause of death to teens in the age of 15-24. This is something to be scared of. According to many research that have been done, most children commit suicide because they have access to firearms at home. Nearly 50% of teen suicide in the United States of America are committed by firearms. Its always advisable to lock those guns and keep them away from children and teens.

Suicides among children and teens also is caused overdose of drugs, which are bought over the counter by the children themselves, sometimes they carry them from home to school and exchange in school, this has been counted as part of either attempt or complete suicide. Did you know boys are more prompt to commit suicide more than girls? It is said that girls would think twice than boys before committing suicide. Girls tend to commit suicide through overdose or cutting themselves, on the other hand, boys think on cruel ways like using lethal weapons like guns, throwing themselves from storey buildings, hanging themselves, etc.

Many at times, parents will want to know what causes this suicide. There are very many factors or characteristics that parents should always watch in their children. However we shall look at a few of those signs:

• feelings of distress, irritability, or agitation
• feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness that often accompany depression
• a previous suicide attempt
• a family history of depression or suicide
• lack of a support network, poor relationships with parents or peers, and feelings of social isolation
• dealing with bisexuality or homosexuality in an unsupportive family or community or hostile school environment
• Mental illness including depression, conduct disorders, and substance abuse.
• Environmental risks, including presence of a firearm in the home.
• Situational crises (i.e., traumatic death of a loved one, physical or sexual abuse, family violence, etc.).

Suicide among teens often occurs following a stressful life event, such as problems at school, a breakup with a boyfriend or girlfriend, the death of a loved one, a divorce, or a major family conflict. Many suicidal youth demonstrate observable behaviors that signal their suicidal thinking.  These include:

• talk about suicide or death in general
• give hints that they might not be around anymore
• talk about feeling hopeless or feeling guilty
• pull away from friends or family
• write songs, poems, or letters about death, separation, and loss
• start giving away treasured possessions to siblings or friends
• lose the desire to take part in favorite things or activities
• have trouble concentrating or thinking clearly
• experience changes in eating or sleeping habits
• engage in risk-taking behaviors
• lose interest in school or sports

Some adults feel that kids who say they are going to hurt or kill themselves are "just doing it for attention." It's important to realize that if teens are ignored when seeking attention, it may increase the chance of them harming themselves (or worse). Children cannot seek attention to visit the doctor  or psychiatrist. The more parents think it’s attention seeking, the more children and teens are committing suicide.

Keep a close eye on a teen who is depressed and withdrawn. Understanding depression in teens is very important since it can look different from commonly held beliefs about depression. For example, it may take the form of problems with friends, grades, sleep, or being cranky and irritable rather than chronic sadness or crying.

It's important to try to keep the lines of communication open and express your concern, support, and love. If your teen confides in you, show that you take those concerns seriously. A fight with a friend might not seem like a big deal to you in the larger scheme of things, but for a teen it can feel immense and consuming. It's important not to minimize or discount what your teen is going through, as this can increase his or her sense of hopelessness. If your teen doesn't feel comfortable talking with you, suggest a more neutral person, such as another relative, a pastor, a coach, a school counselor, or your child's doctor.

 

Lastly the presence of resilience factors are very important because they help to lessen the risk of the child to commit suicide. These include:

• Family support and cohesion, including good communication.
• Peer support and close social networks.
• School and community connectedness.
• Cultural or religious beliefs that discourage suicide and promote healthy living.
• Adaptive coping and problem-solving skills, including conflict-resolution.
• General life satisfaction, good self-esteem, sense of purpose.
• Easy access to effective medical and mental health resources.

Struggling in Marriage

This is what everyone whose marriage is in a hill will always say: I'm really feeling lost right now.

I've been married for 9 years (almost to the day,) to a man who I am really feeling some resentment toward.  I know that my family and friends won't really understand what I'm feeling - everyone thinks that I'm so lucky to have him, and that my complaints are petty.  This will be long, but I'll start at the beginning.

Many of this separation threats will always come up because of the conflicts this couples are going through in their marriage. Do you know, 99% of separations come from women. At times men will use threats of even divorcing their wives. The most important question we should be asking ourselves is this worthy?

Various reasons will call partners to call for a separation. For example; lack of intimacy in marriage, unfaithfulness, violence, workaholic  and many more. This is what one lady commented about what is making her to separate. “Honestly, the immense pressure I've been under in this relationship has resulted in me becoming resentful of him.  I feel like he is another child that I am caring for - having to tell him what to do, how to do it, when, etc.  I don't feel like he's a partner in this relationship, and I view him as an overgrown teenager.  I've lost all of my sex drive - the notion of being sexual with someone I feel like I'm mothering is really not enticing.  We probably have sex twice a month, and it's been this way for about 3 years.”

Many men, and women, make an unnecessary threat when one mate wants a separation to think things over. They let their fears run rampant and try to exert control in various ways, seldom with any productive impact. They threaten to get a divorce if their mate seeks a separation. However, most of the times this threats have led to negative results to marriage leading to divorce. However, a temporal separation with guidelines can end up restoring a falling marriage.

This are various ways we can restore our marriages even when in separation:

First, the separation should be done under the leadership of someone trustworthy, such as your pastor, to ensure steps are taken to make the time apart productive and not divisive. A weekly check-in time should be done with this person to make certain you are using the time as effectively as possible.

Second, it must be made clear that this is going to be a “therapeutic separation.” As such, everything about it is done for the purpose of ultimately restoring the marriage. While there may be a “time out” from one another, the “time out” is set up to strengthen weaknesses in the marriage so that you can come back together stronger than ever. Counsel should be sought, both individually and as a couple, to heal wounded areas. Books on communication and healthy conflict could be read and discussed to strengthen the relationship. Each party must take full responsibility for their failures in the marriage.

Third, during the “therapeutic separation,” there should not be alone time with members of the opposite sex, for obvious reasons. It is simply too tempting to engage in quasi, or overtly sexual behaviour, out of a need for attention and affection. Hedges of protection must be built around the marriage. It is very normal for the grass to look greener during times of intense conflict—don’t be swayed into thinking this is reality.

Finally, I believe a therapeutic separation can be a time to get alone with the Lord to determine His will in your life. It is a time to let go of your pride and ask for wisdom into the key areas needing attention. It is a time not to focus on how you have been wronged, rehearsing wounds perpetrated against you, but how you have been less than the Godly spouse you are supposed to be. Let the Lord minister to your needs and assist you in restoring your marriage, if possible. Pray together as a couple, seeking humility to be the best mate possible.

The Apostle Paul encourages us: “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” (Ephesians 4:2-3).

Mentoring your Children.

Mentoring your Children.

I always get annoyed when I ask grown-ups, even parents, who are their mentors? Someone will tell you my mentor is Obama, Donald Trump, etc. yet they have never met personally or even knowing each other. I tend to refute such responses which we shall discuss as we move on. A few concepts to understand for us to know what is mentorship.

A mentor can be defined as a trusted guide or counselor. Or an individual who is usually older, always more experienced, who help and guides another individual’s development. This guidance is not done for personal gain. 

A mentee is an individual or a student who wants to learn from someone who knows and seeks their valuable advice in order to grow personally and/or professionally. The question remains, should we mentor our children?

All children need an adult to help with homework, listen when they have a problem, and push them to be their best. If you're overwhelmed by the stresses of life and parenting or just think your child needs another caring adult to help foster successful habits, a formal relationship with an adult mentor might be the answer.

According to statistics, American children between the ages of 6 and 18 have adult mentors in their communities. It is believed that children benefit from added adult interaction. While mentors are advocates for the kids they work with, their job isn't to replace a child's parents or fix problems in a family. "We’re just an extra pair of hands here to help.

How does mentoring children help?

Research by the University of Luton Vauxhall Centre for the Study of Crime has shown that mentoring children and young people leads to a reduction in offending behaviour. At one location, as much as 77% of young offenders did not re-offend once they had been assigned a mentor. What's more, many children who are mentored are found to become less disruptive at school and more able to re-engage with mainstream education.

According to another research done by MENTORS, when these children are compared to their peers, 52% will rarely miss school, while 46% of them will not engage themselves in illegal drugs and 27% will not use alcohol. Parents should always try to connect their children to mentors because mentors tend to open more opportunities to their children.

Where do we get mentors?

Mentors can be found by parents themselves or from organization mostly youth organization. However, parents need to get trusted mentors for their children in order to avoid problems. Get mentors whom you have known them for a long period of time. In case you choose an organization, they will try to match your child interests, age and needs. In general, it is very important to pair male children with male mentors and vise versa.

Finding a mentor for your child could produce immeasurable benefits. Mentors open up worlds of opportunities for kids, encouraging them to get a good education, make responsible decisions and have a successful life. This is possible. Try it.

Disciplining Children: Who should be responsible?

The Bible says, “Spare the rod and spoil the child”. Then the great question is who is responsible in disciplining children at home? Many at times, discipline always come from one parent this is because; couples have adopted the “Good Cop” an “Bad Cop” attitude. The bad cop is that parent who is strict and applies all the rules for the good of the family. The good cop is that parent who children will run to when they want to bend some rules for their own benefit.

So what is discipline? Discipline is a Latin word that means learning. In other words children learn through discipline not just blindly following some set of rules. Children would like to understand the nature of the rules and their consequences in their part. It’s true; parents have their different discipline style, which the couples should agree before marriage and set relevant rules for them to follow in the family.

Disciplining children has caused ripples in families, even when they are biological parents involved in disciplining their own children. To some parties, they will feel the children are being abused with how they are treated. Which might not be true, just because there’s no agreement between the couples?  You and Hubby should then try to find common ground and agree on an approach. For instance, if you both decide your baby shouldn’t be picked up the minute he starts to cry during the night, and then you should both stick to that. Or if you both decide that when your infant loses his temper playing with a puzzle toy, it should be taken from him temporarily, then that’s what you should both do. A joint approach like that will avoid unnecessary conflicts and resentment.

In the end, you and your spouse have to determine what the best way to have family discipline is. And if the good cop, bad cop approach suits you, that’s your choice. But the alternative method of having more balance roles can also be effective.

Another serious question that will always arise is, what if it’s a blended family, who should do the discipline? I can only say this, children will only take discipline positive if the biological parents are involved. Children become more rebellious and hard headed when stepparents take the role of disciplining them. For the stepparents to take a role in disciplining their children, they should consider the following things:

(a)          Children are hurt by divorce

(b)         Set an example for your children

(c)          Don’t be wishy-washy. Decided on how discipline will be carried out and stick to the rules.

(d)         Treat every child fairly and equally.